Forging a New Path Up North

I started this blog back in 2012. Back then, I was finally attending a university to finish my undergraduate degree in Computer Science. The sleepless nights having study and working full time were wearing me thin. I took naps in my car and had a routine of eating Einstein Bro’s bagels by the science buildings or Panda Express the evenings I waited for my last classes to start. Everything was about persevering so I can finally get my degree and get a “real” job. No more retail for me. This was it.

Obviously, the blog thing didn’t work out. The last thing I wanted to do with my limited time was sit in front of a computer writing about my struggles instead of getting much needed sleep. I regret not pushing myself to write instead. Then maybe I would remember how hard I worked to get to this point. To be honest, right now, I’m starting to question if it was even worth it.

The story thus far is long, but I’ll save those flashbacks for another day. For now I want to say that I’m back.

Who am I now?

I did graduate with a Bachelors Science degree in Computer Science. I did get a real job. This let me to finally have the child I had been dreaming of having for so many years. It also gave me the ability to work remotely during this crazy pandemic. After talking about it for ten years, we finally got to move to the Pacific Northwest in January. I actually rent a house now. I never thought that was possible. But all this is still a stepping stone to what I really want. I want to be able to live on a piece of land that I own and work and live on sustainably. And so I decided with my extra time now that I’m not killing myself with an overloaded schedule, I’d document our journey in the process. Hope you stick around.

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A Mother’s Comfort

I can be sound asleep and the softest whimper can revive me in an instant. The dreams quickly fading back into the darkness. I wait and listen for the sobbing to subside. Now that she’s much older, most nights, her crying stops and I can drift back to sleep. This time the soft cries linger and I can hear the squeaking springs of her bed give way as she slowly rises up. It’s pitch black. I can barely see her silhouette. Her hands are grasped tightly on the side of the crib, but she’s only half standing. My motherly intuition kicks in and immediately reach for her.

One of the fondest memories I have of my mom is her hugging me this way. I don’t know what led to that moment. I just remember sitting at the foot of our staircase, crying uncontrollably. My mom had tried her best to ignore me as she bustled around the house getting ready to leave for work. I know I did something wrong but also felt like my voice wasn’t being heard. I started to choke back double sobs after crying so long and so intense. Eventually  and I remember her reaching down to hug me and whispering words to soothe me. This was a rare moment between us. I still remember the sense of relief wash over me buried in her embrace. My heart ached because I wish I could hold onto the moment forever. But I felt it was selfish of me to ask that much from her and so instead I replay the scene in my head to bring me that peace.

I never want my daughter to feel that these moments are rare. I want her to be able to run to me and seek shelter in my embrace. So at 5am, I patiently her from her bed and hug her tight. I whisper comforting works in her ear as I rub and pat her back. I want her to know that I always will be there for her. I want her to go through life knowing she’s not alone. I will always be there for her.

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